Monday, July 23, 2007

Dreams.


Things aren't quite as I wished they'd be. But they're still happy. Things still move, and we still move with them - ideas, hopes, dreams, and memories. All the things that one creates in the mind, but each are things which are so extremely tangible to us that many would give their lives for them.

I've discovered Haiku recently. It's given me the ability to write poetry without having to think. It's too easy. Just spill out three lines, the first and the third being the same length, with the middle line being shorter; and none should rhyme, or be connected. Or, so I was told. I've been writing such silly doggerel all over my notebooks, because it's far more interesting than Administrative Law, at the very least. And don't get me started on my Civil Procedure classes.

I've had the recent experience of being asked out on Orkut, and it has made me question some of my most fundamental beliefs about human beings. My profile clearly lists me as committed. Furthermore, the individual in question stated (on a public scrapbook) that the reason for her attraction to me involved me preventing her from making sandwiches when a group of us had been at her establishment, and the other greedy pigs had started demanding the aforementioned snacks as their right.

Now, why on EARTH would anyone even DREAM that such a thing would create any kind of bond between us? Yet, that is the stuff some dreams are made of. Flights of fancy, great overarching thoughts that we dream connect things that are otherwise entirely different and distant, relative to each other. The connections that we seek to make, we desire to make, are made in dreams. The things we are, and the things we hope to be, and the things we dread, and the things that our waking mind cannot conceive ...

That is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Anarchy.

Antiestablishment: opposed to or working against the existing power structure or mores, as of society or government.

I never thought of myself as an anarchist, or someone who was particularly anti-establishment. I was just, always, myself. Doing what I thought was right. Whenever I do the right thing, I often find myself blocked or barricaded by some authority which purports to have the job of doing that very thing I was planning to do - except that they aren't doing a good job, which is what causes me to try and do what they're supposed to be doing. And at this point, the authority does their utmost to get in the way. Sometimes, I manage to get what I want out of my efforts; other times, I cannot.

I'm currently in the midst of such a situation - I'm trying to help some people, and do something I'm good at simultaneously. But, as usual, the authority (in this case, an activity based committee), is seeing it fit to be about as helpful as mastadons trying to stomp the ants on your lunch at a picnic. They're repeatedly blocking us, without understanding what that means. We're trying to help them do what they're doing. Nitwits.

But I shall do what I want to do. It's not that difficult dealing with people obsessed with power. It's only difficult to deal with those people whose motives are transparent. For when they are, there's little that can be ostensibly done. But it's known but not admitted that the problem stems from ego issues and insecurities.

I'll play on those if I need to.
Manipulate them if I have to.
But I shall have what I want.
Because I can.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Chasing Cars


We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

-----------------------------------------------------------

This is Chasing Cars, by Snow Patrol. A song that gave me a strange kind of peace in the midst of much confusion and heart-ache. I've always felt strongly on the nature of the division between professional and personal. It seems to be rather awkward for everyone involved for someone to take someone's professional decision personally. Change things around, making them different and difficult for people to deal with. Just ... make life a little more complicated. Leave you caught in a cycle, where nearly everything seems to be as pointless ... as Chasing Cars. The origin of the song name comes from something that was said to Gary Lightbody (frontman for Snow Patrol) by his father, with respect to some girl Gary was after - you're like a dog chasing a car; you'll never catch it, and you wouldn't know what to do with it even if you did.

Well, I caught it. And I thought I'd understand what to do with it. I have continued to have the most amazing relationship and love that can be imagined. It seems incredibly right, and continues to this day - and it's been so long since it all began. I feel old, but that doesn't take away from all that value I give unto it. However, the problem of dealing with the insanity that is any relationship plays upon my mind quite often. I keep wondering whether it's all worth the pain and suffering any kind of dealing with people who are that close to you.

And then, there was last night. Just a serene feeling of being there. Nothing more, nothing less. There was also the dream. The feeling of soaring, of having found peace and understanding of self. Alone, and together.

All that I am, and all that I ever was, isn't within her perfect eyes. They are within my own vision. But those eyes are what all of me wants to be with, and that's all that matters.