Of random hotness and funny comments.

The world has been playing tricks on me, of late. I watch myself, and reactions to me as I enter a room. I see how people react to me, and how I react to people. Patterns of behaviour and speech emerge that shock and amaze those that do not see them develop clearly. Reactions to bad jokes that are well told, and facial expressions that show wit.

I spent the last weekend in a city that has, since my departure from it 6 years ago, become a new place. Life seems to ebb and flow out of places that I would never have found myself visiting; yet, there, I walked in and felt like I belonged. The sea called out to me with its siren song, and I found myself entranced enough to spend hours watching an unchanging seascape. My mind was in immense amounts of peace.

But how does one describe this sensation? One cannot. The truth cannot be contained in the simple, horrible words we try to confine it to. So when I'm asked to describe an experience that is so intensely personal that parts of me do not understand what has happened, it's a little difficult to put your all into it. You stick to the small things, the shallow things, and hope that they go by without incident.

Oh, hell. Distracted, again. Getting back ...

I went to Bombay looking for memories. And I found them. I made some new ones, too. All in all, it was a satisfying experience. I'm beginning to realise that this is the first time that I've WON something in college. Come first. Not second, not also ran, but first. But these things never mattered to me ... It just seemed worth a mention.

What I did NOT go to Bombay for was adulation. Or generally freaky looks from the female gender. I've been to many extra curriculars, and found that there is usually a male nucleus to female drooling at such events. I've always watched, made disparaging comments about the nature of social relationships, and one night stands (if the drooling was getting excessive and I found myself avoiding puddles).

In Bombay, it took me a while to realise that I was becoming the guy I never wanted to be. I was cracking funny jokes and being myself, and gradually I found people clustering around me. I'd orchestrate conversation. Talk to the people who were interesting, and make them talk to other people. I felt a little like and arranger of music.

I couldn't understand this behaviour, and it makes me question myself and my beliefs about my own nature. I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to. And I despised it, hated it, and all that while I didn't want to do any of those things, either. But I did not behave oddly. I was at ease. I said things and acted like I do when I am in not so familiar company. I treated people like shit, and they came for more. I insulted them with a smile, and they laughed. I questioned their intellect, and they continued nodding at me in faked understanding, proving my point.

I'm growing increasingly paranoid about how I might become someone who uses people. Manipulates them. And somewhere, even though I can find no real grounds for this sort of fear, I do not wish to lose what I loosely consider my own humanity.